John Mulaney brings 'Mister Whatever' tour to Pittsburgh this October (2025)

(chair creaks) - Good afternoon or evening, I'm John Mulaney and I'm going to summarize any movie title that I am told in real time. (upbeat melody) My summaries are not approved by the film makers or the studios. May I have the first title please? - Roll the dice and take your chances. - A Few Good Men is the story of how the term "code red" which you think would be a more serious term in the military is actually just to beat a guy over the head with a bar of soap or something. I don't really remember the film. (flying car engine) (gun shots) Blade Runner, when I think of Blade Runner I think of someone roller blading. I never picture what it is, so I think it should have been called Robots Robots Everywhere. (Stuck in the Middle with You by Stealer's Wheel plays) - (narrator) Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Chris Penn Steve Buscemi, Laurence Tierney, and Michael Madsen - Next title - Reservoir Dogs - Say again? - Reservoir Dogs - Reservoir Dogs is the story of five guys who pose for a poster that everyone had in their dorm room. - Baby! Ruth! - I'm gonna throw it to you, okay? (wrapper smacking and crinkling) - Goonies is the story of (upbeat music) kids who take on a real estate development and win because they have jewels from a pirate. (laughs) That's the actual plot. The enemy in Goonies is real estate development. When I was young, which was in the mid 1980s, the enemies in films were often real estate developments, or robots that were gonna take someone's job. That was a big fear. I think the robots took the jobs and we just let it happen, I forget. - (Leonardo DiCaprio) The world of the dream. (intense music) - Inception should have been called You Snooze You Lose! - I've never really known how to live without you. - It's Complicated is not complicated. (laughs) It's quite nice and comfortable. Again, a wonderful film for when you're feeling the flu. Name another film and I will summarize for you what happens in it. (toy space shuttle engine roaring) (intense music) - A Quiet Place is the story of the bathroom on the third floor of the Barnes & Noble in Union Square. - (James Franco) Be out tomorrow night, if I'm lucky. (somber music) - So that's it. - 127 Hours starring James Franco, should be called One and a Half Arms. Next movie title please. (intense music) (bell chimes) - Bird Box is The Blindside, (jazz music) if both sides were blind. - They're teen royalty. - Being with the plastics was like leaving the actual world. (crashing) (screams) - And entering girl world. - Mean Girls! Mean Girls is the perfect title. It's absolutely the way movies should be titled. - (thinking) Holy crap, can you hear my inner thoughts? - I can hear your inner thoughts! (screams) - What Men Want. What Men Want should be called We Want To Be Adored and Also Left Alone. Next film please, please, please give me the next film, I must, I must. - This is it. (upbeat rock music) (whistling and crashes) - Oww! - Home Alone is the story of how if you're left alone, and this is true, my wife is out of town right now, you will party for three days, but then you will do the dishes. If you name another title I will give you, I will give you an instant summary of it. - What time is it? - Nine P.M. - That can't be right, the sky is blue. - This is what nine P.M. is like here. - Midsilmar? Whatever's happening in Sweden and Norway and Denmark, that's making you so upset I'm very sorry, your films are, uh, (jazz music) deeply bleak to begin with and then you add murder. And then you add incest. You need to calm down as a place. Well thank you for listening, I'm John Mulaney and those were summaries of movies that were shouted at me and I tried to do my best. Please let us know below what you thought of this content. I'm kidding, we don't have a comment section, we don't care at all. (upbeat melody)